When I was in high school I dated this guy and in my mind, I thought he was it. It was real for me. This man did everything wrong you could have imagined; from lying to cheating with multiple women, and even being in other relationships. We broke up once and like any naïve, clueless, loyal woman “in love” with too much time invested I took him back. Nothing had changed, he was worse than before. I thought I could eventually change him and he’d realize I was worth more than that and do right by me. It is heartbreaking when a man can look you in the eye and say I love you, you can trust me, while he’s lying to you and cheating on you knowing you are loyal and faithful to him. He was only committed in words to my face, nothing else, nothing more. One day, he decided the military was the option for him and it was best we separated until he was ready in the future. I made sure to let him know that was it for me. There will never be a future for us. I had enough, I already sacrificed too much, I’m worth more than that, I deserve better, and would never be an us from that day forward. That day was in September 2009. I promised myself I would never let another use me or take advantage of me that way.
He wasn’t God’s will for my life. I had made a very costly mistake and unwise decision. We weren’t in a godly relationship, that eventually cost me my deepest regret & most precious part of me. I grieved it years after. I felt so ashamed, embarrassed, felt betrayed, guilty, heartbroken. I experienced so much regret and was extremely BITTER. I cried for days; not over him or losing a man worth keeping. I cried because I invested so much of myself in a person and relationship that I could never get back. I cried for the time and years wasted that could not be undone. I cried because I experienced some painful things no one should. I cried because I needed to release the pain I felt. From September 2009 to the end of that year I made it my goal to get myself together and focus on the things that matter. I stopped crying and turn to God. That was the only sure way I knew to stop the pain I felt and be restored. Through prayer and reading God’s Word I was over him and over it all. It was then God taught me true love 1 John 4:8. I meditated on that scripture and studied it, along with many others about love.
I thought I was good but throughout my pain and hurting process, the seed of bitterness grew within me. It took root and flourished. I despised all men and wanted nothing to do with any man. I couldn’t wait for that guy to hurt the way he had hurt me. I wanted him to suffer so he could feel the pain I felt. In my heart, I had murdered him (“Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer:” 1 John 3:15). I didn’t understand why God allowed him to hurt me and continued living. I didn’t want him to exist or ever have to look at him. I felt like he didn’t deserve any mercy. I was bitter and hateful and didn’t even realize it. I never thought I was capable of such feelings. I thought I was better than that. I began to have a series of dreams where my ex was begging me for forgiveness, “please forgive me”. Each time in each dream I would reply NO then walk away. I talked to my godmother about the dreams and she advised me to pray, God was trying to show me something.
I prayed to God. I asked him to help me understand the dreams and their meaning. I asked God to expose anything that was left in me I was still holding on, anything that was hidden from my knowledge. I didn’t believe I could ever hate anyone. I asked God to reveal it to someone and send that person to me. About a weeks later, my pastor at the time called me early Saturday morning to speak with me about a vision God gave him while he was in prayer. I didn’t have a close/trusting relationship with him or ever talked to him about the things that happened to me. He told me while he was praying God gave him a vision of God and myself. God was trying to take something away from me but I wasn’t letting it go. He said he’s not 100% sure what it was but from what God showed him it might be anger, hurt, or bitterness. As soon as he said that I remembered the prayer I prayed. I told him I knew what he was talking about and he told me then you should know what to do.
I went straight to my room that day and poured my heart out to God. I wept like I never had before. I told God how hurt I was, how betrayed I felt, how that guy never apologized to me for any hurt he caused me, I asked God to consider all the wrongs this man had done to me, how evil he was for hurting me and betraying my trust, and how I didn’t deserve any of it. God listened. As I sat silently before him. God pulled out a mirror and he led me to consider it. He asked me, what about you? Your own poor decisions allowed some of your hurt. You contributed to your own heartache. Why haven’t you trust me? I have been loyal and faithful to you. Why haven’t you accepted my love? I have pursued you. My love is pure. What about how you’ve wronged me and disobeyed my Word? How you ignored my warnings? At that moment, I realized how messed up I was myself, the lack of heart and respect I had for God and his Word, how I had defile myself, how lost and confused I had been, how broken I truly was, and how I was not any better than him. God gave me the scripture “But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” Matthew 6:15. Just like my ex I needed forgiveness, I never apologize to God for my wrongs, I was a sinner in need of grace and salvation, and I had wrong God on so many levels and ways. Forgiving was no longer a choice. That was the day I begin to fall in love with God and his Word.
Bitterness is a poisonous root. Anger, depression, anxiety are all things that grow out of the root of bitterness. We complain when we’re bitter and unable to see God working on our behalf. I expressed to God I didn’t how to let go, and where to begin uprooting my bitterness. I didn’t have the strength. I told God I didn’t know how to truly forgive but if he showed me how I would do it. God did it. I repented of my sins and wrongs. God taught me several more scriptures about forgiveness. I have all my hurt, regret, anger, and bitterness to God. I left it there at his feet then allowed him to restore me. He stayed very close and healed my broken heart. He gave me peace and I found true love in him. He has since been my model for love and forgiveness. I could, later on, write a letter to my ex and express that I forgave him for everything. I forgave him because God had forgiven me. He never apologized or said I’m sorry. I was no longer searching or waiting for that. I found peace and LOVE, God himself. No man can compare to that.
If you want to heal from emotional wounds:
Let God rescue you from death and forgive all your sins Isaiah 38:17
Bitterness will hold you captive by sin Acts 8:23. Let it go.
Ask yourself: “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!” Psalms 43:5
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.” Ephesians 4:31
God is love! True love, forgiveness, and healing start with God.
God allowed it all to save me from a terrible situation. He had a better plan and a future for me. I’m married to one of the best husbands any woman could hope for. I would not trade the joy, peace, and amazing husband God blessed me with for anything I had then.